Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!

judge: do u swear to tell the truth

me: dare

judge: what

me: i choose dare instead

judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal

A roomba that swears every time it hits something.

“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”

-my wife

Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”

Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”

[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing

The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.

Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that

I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.

Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget

The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER

The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭

Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.

Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.

Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant

If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?

if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE

Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?

Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who

Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.

When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.

count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video

Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.

director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.

Me: Go to bed

5-year-old: One more question

Me: Fine

5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?

Me

5:

Me: Get some coffee

Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

[Halloween]

Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!

14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.