Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one last job

Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me

Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?

Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…

Me: *loads nutrigun*

Cashier: What the heck?

If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.

I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.

I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”

Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.

I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.

Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*

Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.

Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing

*flash forward*

Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe

One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week

Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?

Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN

at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back

WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?

ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back

[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?

“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.

I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.

Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.

*watching TV*

*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*

*turns on closed captions*

How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?

Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.

Shark week, but for squirrels.

Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?

My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.

The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.

I challenged him to a rap battle.

So, lemme get this straight…

Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??

Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.

Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?

I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours

Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind

If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.