Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.

I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦

*apocalypse happens*

My kids: This place doesn’t have any wifi?

Me: No place has any wifi.

My kids: Ugh. This is the worst apocalypse ever!

The word Ohio looks like a tractor

Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.

Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?

I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.

Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.

Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….

Me: …sweep the leg?

Tissue boxes be like “Hey there’s only five tissues left in here so why don’t you just take them in a giant clump.”

Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”

traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi

[sound of can opening]

wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?

me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday

wife: but we’re still at church

Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.

If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.

hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat

me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve

I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.

Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back

Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter

If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.

I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.

“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel

Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.

Me: *standing on the subway platform*

Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”

i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”

parenting is not for the faint of heart

So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.

Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.

I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.

Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.