Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
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Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Husband: Want to go for a run?
Me: You know I don’t run.
Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
Already got one
Wife: Get birthday wrapping paper and bows at the store.
Me: What kind of bows?
Wife: Birthday bows.
Me: We have a bag of bows here.
Wife: Those are Christmas bows. I need birthday bows.
Me: Technically, Christmas is a birthday.
Wife [rubbing temples]: Just..just do what I ask.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.