Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.

Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?

You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:

Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet

Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.

Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday

The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd

ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.

Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?

I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.

*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*

“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out

Me: Nothing is set in stone.

Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.

*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone

I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.

And not ONE ab to show for it.

why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down

I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too

MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.

2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.

2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.

2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.

*walks into Best Buy*

*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”

[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter

[At dinner with wife’s friends]

Me: may I chime in

Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-

*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.

My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.

Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog:

😂😂