My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
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[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
😜
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
cyclists
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.