Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO

Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?

Me: Yep.

D: But how can you be so sure of that?

M: I’ve seen them in museums

D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.

[Scooby Doo at an interview]

Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?

My cat:…

That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.

Me: *checking weather on phone*

3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?

Me:

3:

Me: Yes, we go way back.

Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.

Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!

Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!

dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom

just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,

I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad

im gay on my mothers side

her: u excited for the next Star Wars?

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.

[sitting in van]

Robber 1: Ready?

Robber 2: Let’s do this!

Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?

Me: I really can’t stay

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: I’ve got to go away

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: Just let me go!

Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?

“My phone is blowing up!”

*2 unread messages*

It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.

If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.

Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea

The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.

Him: I missed you

Me: I missed you too

*we both reload our duelling pistols*

Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.

I promise to sing for you.

Then you can decide what’s worse.

My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*

Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.

Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.