Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.

I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.

My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.

Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job

Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night

Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it

Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?

Me: my children, now give me the ring

A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.

“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”

Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!

The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo

What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.

Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials

Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?

Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.

Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.

Meanwhile, in Facebook,

Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.

Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!

Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.

It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction

“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”

Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds

😭😭😭

Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.

Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second

Did I break my fitbit record? yes

Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes

I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?

Does beer think about me too?

coworker: a little bird told me—

me: —where

coworker: uh

me: i want to talk to the little bird