Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-

Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”

I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.

Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.

[after an argument]

me: *scribbling on a paper*

him: what’s that? what are you writing?

me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing

On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.

My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive

cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil

[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?

Got a light

Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.

You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.

My favorite female superhero

me: I want to buy some drugs

dealer: are you a cop

me: would I get a discount

some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables

“Right, whose round is it?”

Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.

[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*

shop assistant: can i help you find something?

me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences

shop assistant:

me: or laundry detergent

Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.

1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater

Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.

The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.

Me: *Sitting in traffic*

Cop: Get back in your car

*sees locks of hair on floor*

*looks at daughter*

*looks at American Girl doll*

“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”

Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

– Frank Piñata

Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement

GF: I sent you a dozen roses

Me: oh

GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth

Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?

Me: I don’t even think about work at work.