plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.