plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
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[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Convenience. My nearest worm shop is miles away.
Jupiter
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.