plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
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If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!