My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
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Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Matt Goss
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!