Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
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Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
How did we not see this back then?
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?