Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.

*plane missed the runway

My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”

I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.

Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq

[knock at door]

ME: yes?

COP: is there a party going on?

ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-

[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE

Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on

If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.

I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date

But also the kind of friend that will make it say:

“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”

New modem

5yo: What is that?

Me: an alien detector

5: It has a glowing green light.

Me: means it found one.

5: It’s pointing right at you

Me *evil grin* I know

Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed

Yankee Candle: Please leave

Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on

Me:

Therapist:

Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?

When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”

AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.

When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”

Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”

Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine

Courageously battles through my ice cream headache

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.

Local community Facebook pages are like:

“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”

*Ghost Jail

Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice

The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day

Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.

Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?

Her: Yes, please. Bbq.

Me: I’ll take apple.