Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
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Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now
Me: Please don’t
Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰
Me: Omg 3 please
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
mathematically impossible
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.
All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.