Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.

If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher

There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.

[Gets out of bed]

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.

LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”

CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?

me: what does that cloud look like to you?

her: please just open the parachute

it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato

they are potato chips

You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?

I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.

Qui-gon: You will give me the parts

Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks

Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?

Watto: I will give you the parts

Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

Barista: Name?

Me: Ursula

Barista: With an E?

Me: no, U

me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.

wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.

The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?

Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.

Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.

I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.

You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.

I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”

GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”

Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”

I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?

Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?

Therapist accidentally sent me her cat

Me: I’m feeling short of breath.

Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?

Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?