[plot twist] ur buried vertically
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“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
😂🖐️
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.