[plot twist] ur buried vertically
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Seek kebab; not attention
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
No Google it does not
Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
at ease…shoulder.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”