[plot twist] ur buried vertically
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My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
honk shuah. sleep on that thang
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
welp
