Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
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A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
me: *ordering an orange juice*
8yo: does it have pulp?
me: I’m not sure
8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
“oh, i didn’t expect to see you here” i say to the work i left for myself to complete after the holidays
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?