Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
You Might Also Like
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
deleting my mental health to focus on social media
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.