Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
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Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
