Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
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The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
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When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
c’mon!
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I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
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[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no