PLOT TWIST:
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All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking