Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dog: i have to pee

me: for real?

dog: yeah i gotta go

me: alright *lets dog out*

dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*

me: *lets dog back in*

[5 minutes later]

dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this

me: you have to pee

dog: i have to pee lol

If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”

if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.

I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.

Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”

When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction

I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.

Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]

I weigh at least 17 squirrels

Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.

Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?

Kid: What’s a phone book?

Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?

Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.

is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan

Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER

Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

Me: no, is he any good?

Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”

I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.

Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.

[using Apple Pay]

Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple

it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you

an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed

cop: you’re so busted

me: thanks. I just had them done

Spring of Deception