Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?

what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open

If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.

He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s

The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.

“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef

About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.

It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it

ugh fine

…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman

massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it

I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.

Every wedding video you’ve ever seen

Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train

CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice

Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.

CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated

AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit

I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?

My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.

[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”

Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.

Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy

“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.

My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.

Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.

Why font matters.

Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.

Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?

Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots

Him: Great! How’s it going?

Me: *very deep breath* so so

Dear Abby,

I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

The days of good grammer has went

Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail