Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph

One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.

to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors

I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing

When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me

What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?

99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.

“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.

One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.

You get what you got last time.

Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.

Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.

GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish

My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast

[Next morning, after I make pancakes]

My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal

*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message

Genie: I shall grant you three wis-

Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me

Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.

Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?

if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.

coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator

Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.

Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL

Doctor:

[Child reading their story to the class]

& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.

The End

Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time

“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”

son: dad, can you spell upside down?

dad: yes but it does make me dizzy

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes

the rocks need my help

*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*

ugh, it tastes like the house

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.