I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Everybody shoots Cupid with an arrow.
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I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
CDC: Wear a mask! Social Distance! Get the vaccine!
CDC: don’t eat raw cookie dough
Me: I’ll see you in hell
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
One day you’re young and the next thing you know you’re yelling at someone for sitting on “your” park bench.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
FDA should require Starbucks baristas/cashiers to be calorie counters.
“Here’s change of 50 and that’s 1,073 calories of your Venti Frap.”