*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
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If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.