@CaniacMONK

Plot twist:

Everybody shoots Cupid with an arrow.

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@kitkova

I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter

@jjax44

I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

@daphnethewriter

CDC: Wear a mask! Social Distance! Get the vaccine!
Me: absolutely!

CDC: don’t eat raw cookie dough
Me: I’ll see you in hell

@UncleDuke1969

“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”

Liam Neeson returns in…

TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED

(Summer 2015)

@UnFitz

One day you’re young and the next thing you know you’re yelling at someone for sitting on “your” park bench.

@iwearaonesie

dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son

@vanderheydensax

*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*

INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-

*closes browser*

@Cheeseboy22

Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”

@RBColl

FDA should require Starbucks baristas/cashiers to be calorie counters.

“Here’s change of 50 and that’s 1,073 calories of your Venti Frap.”