Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.

Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?

Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.

Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.

Me:

Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…

Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*

Me: …Mr. Bean

Autocorrect completely socks

Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.

Cops should stop the use of dogs.

There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.

No one would mess with a police bear.

i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones

So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.

Me: I’d like a nap please.

Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.

Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now

[going to bed]

Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.

[5 AM the next morning]

Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.

Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce

Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff

Spins a web.

Any size.

Catches thieves.

Just like flies.

He waits.

The thieves come.

The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.

He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.

Look out.

Here comes the Spider-Man.

NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.

my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does

idk what he going thru but i feel him

People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.

Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.

Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil

If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.

Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup

me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?

ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

INTERVIEWER: What?

ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.

Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care

DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too

[on phone]

me: honey I won some free tickets

wife: cool, for what?

me: speeding and resisting arrest

wife: never heard of them

I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.