i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
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Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
where the womens at?
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.