*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
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Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
smh
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater