Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.

I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.

I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.

Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?

Victor Frankenstein: No.

Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!

Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”

You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.

Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.

To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.

My mother’s maiden name is Password.

Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

Classified ad:

Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.

Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

[first day as a midwife]

ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!

NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.

when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak

IT guy: what seems to be the problem

me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again

IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do

A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”

wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees

Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.

Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.

Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.

[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway

Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”

My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”

Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.

my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back

best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy

Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe