Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off

Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?

When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.

If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…

genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u

me: random rule but ok

genie: seriously don’t even try

me: ok i won’t

genie:

me:

genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work

My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”

When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…

Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.

Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….

Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?

Let’s see her walk backward.

Now diagonally.

Cha-cha real smooth.

My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?

Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.

Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken

So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream

Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.

Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?

Rey: No.

Me: Good. Let’s get started.

*date*

GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?

LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.

I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?

Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right

*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*

Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.

[45 minutes later]

*gallops up to window on stick horse*

Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together

My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.

Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.

It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.

[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?

Cop: Yes, go back a step.

Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.

Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.

If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.