Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.

*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*

i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

zombie kid: why am i being punished

zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar

😩😩😩

me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is

all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage

Adopting a new raccoon family from the local dump is far more rewarding than buying from one of those upscale designer raccoon boutiques.

When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already

Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull

Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.

God: you’re a parrot.

Parrot: ok.

God: you can repeat everything you hear.

Parrot: humans are the worst.

God: uh what?

Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.

God:

Parrot:

God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?

Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.

alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first

Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.

never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right

I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.

Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.

SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird

It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree

Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.

Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv

[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”

Yes

“Care to elaborate?”

No

SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide

ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did

*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early

jeff bezos: moon’s unionized

nasa employee: what?

jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized