*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
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They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
I don’t think my car can fly
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
True freaking story!
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.