*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
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To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not