plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
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8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Every BBC series about the universe.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Unimpressed
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
*seductively eats two tums*
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.