plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
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Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
I hate everyone in front of me at this checkout line, everyone behind me is cool.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.