plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Guys which shade of gery should I get
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
My dog after a walk in the woods.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.