Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
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The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
This one takes the trophy 😭😭
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)