pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
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Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”