[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
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I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
“dad, what does extravagant mean?”
idk son. why don’t you …
[i turn to my wife using $100 bills to light the fireplace]
ask your mother
Sometimes I wonder how people who don’t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.