pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
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If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.