@RiotGrlErin

pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family

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@kyry5

[first day on the job as a drug dealer]

*giggles*

“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”

*gets stabbed*

@ericsshadow

“dad, what does extravagant mean?”

idk son. why don’t you …

[i turn to my wife using $100 bills to light the fireplace]

ask your mother

@hpb777

Sometimes I wonder how people who don’t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.

@ItsMeHelenMary

My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.

@omgshuddup

“Are you good and hard for me yet?”

– me boiling eggs

@BlondAmbitionTO

I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.

@donni

If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.

@HenpeckedHal

My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.