pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family

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[first day on the job as a drug dealer]


“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”

*gets stabbed*


“dad, what does extravagant mean?”

idk son. why don’t you …

[i turn to my wife using $100 bills to light the fireplace]

ask your mother


Sometimes I wonder how people who don’t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.


My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.


“Are you good and hard for me yet?”

– me boiling eggs


I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.


If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.


My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.