pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
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Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what