pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
You Might Also Like
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face