pls suprot
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So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Pilgrim: What the hell is that?
Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.
– The first green bean casserole.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
“We ride at dawn”
Me headed to the grocery on Thanksgiving eve
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me