pls suprot
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why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
how much for the angry fruit?
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.