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@BrownDogBlanket

Funny how people freak out over tiny spiders, but pull a giant one out of the ocean and everyone’s all let’s rip it’s legs off and dip ‘em in butter.

@just1fool

It’s like my pastor always says, “Who are you and why are you stealing wine?”

@bottlerocket

Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.

@rocknthepurple

I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

@Lamalover2

Are you surprised at life in general or is that just the way you plucked your eyebrows?

@Tmoney68

Me: I can’t make it in today.

Boss: How sick are you?

M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.

B: Jesus, you ARE sick.

@RummyLauded

Ten: Number of fingers children have.

Twenty-six: Number of fingers children have when you try to put gloves on them.

@Book_Krazy

Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness