pls suprot
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“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*