Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
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Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
me when i smell free food in the break room
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Arrest that man!
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.