Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
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The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
“You’d better run, egg!”
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.