Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this ππ
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Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. Iβm either going to be way early or way late.
Whatβs the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
βYou have too much stuffβ
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
βWhy am I in here again?β
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Iβm doing crunches twice a day nowβ¦
Captain in the morningβ¦
Nestle in the afternoon.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like βI had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.β
if you canβt find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.