Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All right then, keep your secrets

I swear some people should be banned from cooking

Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now

I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea

Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.

My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything

bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage

My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.

I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.

white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken

Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.

Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.

Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]

me: [jumping out of a cake]

skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience

No school, Day 1

7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!

8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*

9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!

Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?

9: It matters for two minutes.

*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP

*rolls grocery cart into open house*

Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*

An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*

If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall

Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet

Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes

Me: I’m going to eat healthier.

My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.