Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
You Might Also Like
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Alexa, make me look good naked.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
rich people when they have to pay taxes
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out