Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!

My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂

Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.

girl: i’m way into philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher

Guy- What’s your sign?

Me- Stop

I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.

Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.

what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??

Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.

You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.

You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”

[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry

If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).

me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot

*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*

Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.

[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking

6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go

Twists doll head til it snaps off

Screeches “mom!!!”

Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer

baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –

baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!

[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals

Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant

I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.

Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.

BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*

ME: *dives out of the way*

For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.

Me: I’m so tired.

Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.

Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!

[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”

I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.

Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.

We’re all getting idioter.