Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
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Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
(yawn)
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.