Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
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Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
today my son asked me if other animals date too and i honestly never thought about that. imagine dating an avoidant bird? every argument, they’d just… fly away.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
