Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
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4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.