Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.

As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

*guy getting eaten by a shark*

Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.

Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.

every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.

I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).

ME: check out this cordless trimmer

BARBER: stop calling me that.

Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship

[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsense

me: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: no

me: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT

Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*

Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.

non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?

Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists

Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.

Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”

I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow

ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle

Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.

When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger

Detective: Don’t leave town.

Me, thinking about gas money: Ok

I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.

Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?

huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror

Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here

Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad

Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself