Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

Cashier: Big weekend plans?

Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.

Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.

Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?

Me: sure!

Husband: any ideas?

Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?

Husband:

Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?

Husband:

Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?

PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-

ME: [raises hand]

PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand

ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong

HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug

ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ

Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.

I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.

me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no

My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.

sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?

That eye roll….

[Sits on chair backwards]

Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.

I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs

Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes

My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea

My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.

My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.

My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions

I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.

If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.

[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”

*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore

*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*

I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.

“I need a synonym for equivalence.”

“Synonym.”

“Yes a synonym.”

“Synonym is the word.”

“It is and I need one for equivalence.”

“It’s synonym.”

“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”

“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”

“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.

5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?

Me: In case there’s a burglar.

5:

Me:

5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?

When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.