@Kyle_Lippert

*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*

You Might Also Like

@AverageCorners

Someday, when I’m really old, I hope I can sit my grandchildren around my rocking chair and text them pearls of wisdom.

@drinksmcgee

I killed a Werewolf and turned it into a Were-skin rug but the problem is that it’s a human-skin rug for like 29-30 days a month.

@ThatBrenna

People are like snowflakes. When they pile up on my car windshield, it’s difficult to drive.

@DanaSchwartzzz

Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister

@MarioInAZ

Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.

@Dirty_Naomi

2 Jehovah’s witnesses knocked earlier, so I invited them in. I gave 1 the hoover & 1 a mop.

If they can do Gods work, they can do mine.

@kelkulus

It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”

@MommaUnfiltered

Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.

@Dawn_M_

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

@nice_mustard

yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up