*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
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Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Haha good job!!
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.