Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen

what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.

Do zombies go to heaven when they die?

I hope so.

There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.

Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….

A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone

Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*

Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*

3: THAT WAS MINE!

I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.

“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille

Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.

[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.

I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.

Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?

What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.

In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.

Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone

Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are

It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”

spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe

i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year

once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.

Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”

Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.

cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good

Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy

Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?

Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.

*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”

I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.

[At Wedding]

Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?

Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND

Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.