Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*

Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit

I’m calling the cops.

“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”

I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron

Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping

I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.

Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.

While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.

Him: Will you marry me?

Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?

If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.

People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk

wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you

me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife

wife: on your coke though?

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.

What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.

What I should have said: I’ll do better.

What I actually said: You should see my kids.

Instagram: My life is a party.

Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show

Facebook: My life turned out great!

Twitter: We’re all going to die.

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”

*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island

Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.

Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.

Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.

Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth

If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.

Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?

Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish

I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.

If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss

My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.