Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease

The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.

My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.

*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*

Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.

Depth Metal

OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners

ME: I like nerdy girls.

HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.

Me: how much for the seal Dracula

Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green

INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?

BATMAN: I right things.

I: What do you write?

B: I Right People’s Wrongs.

I: Oh so you’re an editor?

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids

[Zoom call]

Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute

i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”

me: how much for the wireless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.

this got me crying😭😭

*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.

“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato

Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad

My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house

[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?

Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”

Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!