Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?

Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.

Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?

walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal

Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.

seashell: [holding me to its ear]

me: [making city noises]

So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.

But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”

As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.

me: i need a dr appointment

reception: ok plz verify your birthday

me: it’s this friday

reception: thanks

me: but you don’t have to get me anything

reception: umm, ok

me: there’s really nothing i even need

reception: ok i wasn-

me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12

Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?

[mcdonalds]

me: two marijuanas please

employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru

me: two McMarijuanas please

Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special

Husband: Deal

Alexa: *deep breath*

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work

[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired

cellmate: how did you get here

me: i took the train

cellmate: no i mean what did you do

me: i just told you

true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”

in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”

Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.

In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident

Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?

– my brain at 2:00 am

Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*

The Pasta:

I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.

GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.

ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.

“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.

If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.

Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.

The nerve of some health experts.