Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.

[cross-country trip]

me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap

passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.

Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together

Me: That’s not true

H: Wanna go hiking

M: I don’t like your tone

new workout goal is to have a body where after I commit a crime, the media posts my shirtless pics and everyone’s like WOW

You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened

In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French

“I just love a man in uniform”

~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes

Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.

me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.

if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision

My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.

Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?

My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.

Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?

Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.

Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler

I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo

Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.

By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.

using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism

Ok can we all agree that we can’t have a 51st state? That would totally throw off the stars on the flag. We need to add like 5 states at once

JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever

ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age

I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.

When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.

my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off

My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*