Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.

The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor

Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣

99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one

I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.

Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.

Metabolism:

Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.

Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.

Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.

Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.

god: you’re a pig

pig: huh

god: you’re filthy

pig: yeesh

god: you eat slop from a trough

pig: c’mon

god: you stink

pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?

god: here’s the thing

Rock stars’ children have very strange names.

Toddler: What’s for dinner?

Me: Fish cakes.

Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!

Me:

Me:

Me:

Me: ……. Sure.

Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.

All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.

Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.

this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route

I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.

got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.

Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny

There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.

This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.

I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.

[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree

Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion

Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.

On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.