Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
You Might Also Like
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
I enjoy a good short stor
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.